Uncertain

I found out a about an hour ago that my Grandmother was back in hospital. She had been sent home about two weeks ago, they thought she was fine, but now she has gone back in and no one will tell me or my cousins what's wrong with her, or when they think she will be let out again. My Dad said that I may have to prepare myself for the worst. I don't know how to do that.


My nan has been there my whole life as an unshakable rock, to hold the entire family together. birthday celebrations, Christmas, Easter Wednesday nights and every other Sunday night is spent at her house eating her food and enjoying her company and humour.


Everything will change if she dies. Where will we spend Christmas or my nineteenth birthday? I always had this image of her being there to see me married, all old and frail yes but there none the less....

Stupidly Bruised

Yes I am stupid. Last night at about two in the morning I was on the phone to James and he asked me what had happened between me and Tony to make me hate him so much. And I told him, he was quiet for a little while then asked why I was embarrassed, and I told him that too. He then asked what I would do if I ever dated someone like Tony again.... and the same thing happened... I couldn't answer, Tony hurt me badly*. I doubt I would recover the way I have if it happened to me again. Every time I think about it my heart does this funny wrenching throbbing thing that makes that horrid lump form in my throat stopping me from breathing properly.

I could see James watching me today when he brought it up again, asking the same question. I could tell he was worried that I might not be completely over Tony but he did not say it to me. Tony severely bruised my heart when I found out what he'd done. I can't even bring myself to mention it to him because it hurts to much to think about it let alone talk about it to him.

When James and I were together today I realised how much I liked him. We kissed a lot but I wouldn't allow myself to let him have me, it wouldn't be fair to him, none of this is really fair to him. I felt even worse because he called me dangerous while we were kissing, I could tell he really wanted me but it was when he said that, that I stopped and looked at him, he was smiling at me and I knew he meant it in a good way but I couldn't help saying:

"You have no idea."

He really doesn't, I really don't want to hurt him but I'm too afraid to let him go in case things go horribly wrong with Tony, and I'm terrified of things going right with Tony because then I'll have to brake up with him. And I'll have to tell him why as well..... It's not right what I'm doing but I'm to cowardly to stop now. It's like I'm watching myself crashing and burning in slow motion and I know that all I have to do is shout out to myself to save myself but I can't.

No matter what happens now in the end someone is going to get hurt and I know than when it happens I'll have no one to blame but myself.

* I will tell the story of what happened between us that was so humiliating for me at a later date; as you know he told everyone about it and I was devastated. But what actually happened will have to wait until I can bare to talk about it.

In the Wrong

Have spent the day recovering from last night as I crawled into my bed at 6:45am, my feet crippled and maimed from killer gold shoes. I slept until around 10 or 11 when Michael (my brother) came in and kissed me goodbye since he was off to Carnival with the wrest of my dads family, likely to get drunk and pull several little totties of his own age. Ew.

I then fell asleep again until about 3 when I called my mother to tel her I was now awake and hungry. Only to find out she had gone shopping in Asda. Bugger. Got up and fed myself then wondered aimlessly around the house doing nothing of interest.

4:45 Mother comes home with shopping and I have to help her with the bags climbing the steps to our flat. Double bugger. Once she was done with shopping she made me an early dinner then went to work leaving me in the house to sleep again.

Tony did not come last night. He had to work this morning on a float in Notting Hill Carnival (He's a dancer if I never mentioned before). But his brother Sean came with his Friend Andrew. We had fun and danced until I had to change my shoes because I felt like I was dying.I was obviously very disappointed about not seeing my Beloved but had fun in finding a reason to send him a text that wasn't related to sex.

Today Mother dearest wanted to know how the night went. I told her, She gave me that look that all mothers give their children when they suspect they maybe in Love. But she did not question me more. Then I told her that James was coming over tomorrow and we would be hanging out either here or maybe at Carnival though I do not really want to go. She gave me another look, but of suspicion this time. She had been nagging me to find something to do tomorrow because she was going to Carnival and she didn't want me to lounge around the house doing nothing. So I made plans with James, who likes me a lot.....

Now I feel bad about using him to distract myself from Tony. Because that is what I'm doing as I'm sure you know. I know I should feel bad because it is wrong but otherwise I would be completely depressed by my love and completely holed up inside myself. He is a great guy and I really like him. But he's not Tony.

The Man I Love

On Saturday... I am going out with my cousin to Inego again.... we KNOW that Tony and Sean will be there. We are going to look desirable and feminine at the same time... Well I am. I have decided to wear a short pumpkin bottom dress that tucks itself sensually under my bottom, it is silk and swishy, and gold too which goes brilliantly with my caramel skin, I'm wearing my Gold Oasis shoes and hopefully I'll find a gold bag somewhere.
Tony likes my legs and bum, which the dress compliments more than anything else...well my breasts as well obviously but he's not much of a boob man i don't think.
My cousin thinks I'm asking for trouble in enticing him but I think it will be good for him to hear the word NO. he shall not have me that night. He shall have to wait, I have no intention of yielding to him this time. My mother thinks I should keep him hungry for me for about another week before giving him a hint that i am still slightly interested in him..... She said it would be very stupid of me to let him know that I am in love with him and desire to marry him have lots of sex and babies with him. Have I mentioned that he is perfect for me? I think I have.

About the picture, was very bored and browsing through Google images and stumbled across it. It is a perfect example of our height difference as well as our intimacy.

I have spent the whole day being worried about Saturday and worried about my dress and worried about money. Until I saw that picture, when i saw that picture all i could do was smile and think about him. His masculinity and love of the fact that I am both feminine and submissive. He has always dominated me, I have always let him and always enjoyed it when I did. He was rough and I loved it. But his desire to give me pleasure was what I loved most. He never intended to hurt me unless I asked him to specifically. Even then he was always nervous about whether he was hurting me too much. He was very well endowed, and it sometimes made it difficult for us to get completely wild because he didn't always know his own strength, and I am small at only 5ft 4 and he is at least 6ft 1. He was more than capable of hurting me without realising it, which sometimes happened.
Thinking of our experiences together made me shiver, he was the best sex I'd ever had and always made me orgasm at least twice. I was always determined in seeking out my orgasms and he loved to watch me, it turned him on and in doing that made it more likely that he would spur me on.... I desire him more than I have desired anything.
He is a lover, a man and the most intimate person I've ever met. He has flaws obviously, he is proud, sometimes arrogant and has a way of shutting himself down so you can look into his eyes and see absolutely nothing. Which always infuriated me, there were times when i wanted to hit him because of it.

But I love him anyway. I even love his arrogance sometimes..... He will desire me on Saturday. He always desires me.

In Love In London

In the morning it rained. I had some tea. It is always lovely when it rains in London. It feels strange to me if it is excruciatingly hot here. I like the mildly hot summers and the wet Autumns, the icy Winters and the moist Springs.

So when it rained this morning I just sat with my tea.

And thought about Tony.

I have never been in love before so this is new to me. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to write about him.... I can say that he is perfect for me.

He is sensitive, but masculine.

He is passionate about dance.

He is an artist. Like me.

He is British. Like me.

Tall dark and handsome, he has always been such a lovely dark chocolate colour.....

I wanted to go out in the rain today but had too much to do. So I stayed indoors and watched with my tea.

Still thinking about him.

Goosebumps

I have been contemplating how strongly I feel for someone when my cousin Jessica put things into perspective for me, like she always does. My muse.

"Think about it this was Effie, in six months time when you and James are serious, if Tony was to tell you he was in love with you and wanted to give a serious relation a try with you, would you leave Jason for him?" She asks while picking fluff out of the carpet. I had to think about my answer for a little while before I felt a jolt of guilt at how unfair my answer would sound.

"I would leave James for Tony. There is no real doubt about it." I reply without looking at her, I could feel her genuinely shocked stare on the side of me cheek.

"Really?" She breathes, I nod without looking up. "So how do you feel about James? Could you ever get serious with him?" I nodded looking up at her smiling shyly.

"Yes I could be in a serious monogamous relationship with him. But I wouldn't love him." I say slowly seeing her surprise I look away again and she sits up properly to give me a serious stare.

"Could you have loved Tony?" She asks without taking her eyes off me, I find myself smiling involuntarily.

"Yes. Absolutely, I could have loved him a lot." I answer quietly, she gapes at me and I change the subject abruptly. "It doesn't matter now we haven't slept together since before my birthday and I know he has a set mentality of me now, I'm the girl he fucks not the girl he could bring home to his mum. He wont ever be able to see me as that girl." Jessica watches me for a few minutes before lying back on her stomach.

"You don't believe that. He tried to get your attention all night last night, and there were plenty of good looking girls in that club yet it's you he chose to pester and annoy. He tried to dance with you for most of the night and stared at you for the wrest of it. He still has feelings for you Lex don't give up so easily." She said picking up her iPod and turning it on loud we sat in silence for a few minutes before I looked back up at her.

"Should we call them? See if their feelings have changed towards us?" I asked she nodded without looking at me.

"It will be easier for you to talk to Tony than for me to talk to Sean. He refuses to speak to me even though we both know he still has feelings for me. At least Tony will pick up your call and talk to you." She said running her thumb over her iPod, I nodded my agreement. Tony had always been easier to talk to than Sean. Mainly because he was always pissing me off, I could be grumpy but he was the one who always did me wrong. So he was always the lenient one, the one who would forgive because there wasn't much to forgive. With him it was always drama, he had to look good in front of his friends and it was more often done at my expense, he could be a real little boy about things. The most recent of his offenses was to talk about little hiccups we had in bed... well I had, lots of which weren't even true. He took the absolute piss out of me in front of my cousin and his friends. When she told me I felt like the stupidest person alive, and I could barely look at her let alone him or his friends. She knew about the honest ones, but obviously was oblivious to the ones he had made up on the spot.

I am pretty sure he is still ignorant to the fact that I know what he said about me, which is fine for now but if anything were to ever get going again between us I know it will come up, and we will fight about it.... I will probably cry. Because I know how insensitive he can be sometimes.

Just thinking about him makes my stomach go into knots, the only way I can cope with it is by repeatedly listening to Jonie Mitchell's Both Sides, Now. I can't handle the feeling that I might have missed an opportunity to be completely in love because I was after a quick screw at the time. When I met Tony all I wanted was to sleep with him, and that's what we did, he gave me his number but I didn't call him or see him for a good month until we met again at the same club by accident. And he accused me of: 'Mashing and Dashing'. Now I wish more than anything I had been the respectable girl that holds out until something like the fifth or sixth date. Maybe if I'd done that he would have some respect for me now, and I wouldn't be afraid to sleep with him again in case I slip up and he laughs at me. I'm already reasonably insecure and hearing that he could have been so cruel made me feel worse.

Seeing him on Saturday was awful, every time he touched me my skin broke out in goosebumps. He always had a talent for making me shake or tremble, making me feel calm if I was upset or irritated about something. Feeling his arms around me was the most comforting feeling I ever felt... it's ridiculous now to think about it because he doesn't like me that way. But it always felt really good.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Do you think you love him now?" Jessica asks giving me her all knowing smile, I looked away without answering because we both knew the answer. "Of course you love him now. You loved him since February when things started to get really hot with you two, you know I know so don't even try and deny it." She says smiling at me, I relax back and nod slowly.

"I know I do now but a lot of the time I don't know how I feel about him. He has me questioning myself on everything..." I said refusing to look at her, but I felt her nod.

We laid there in silence and I remembered how it felt to have Tony running his hands up and down my thighs and arms. Both areas started to brake out in goosebumps all over again.

More on me...

I am a black teenage girl, with an obsession for chocolate and writing.

I live in London, with my mum and little brother.

Have the shittiest taste in men.

Have the usual string of not nice boyfriends, but am starting to see a lovely guy called James

I have the oddest taste in music.

Girls in general don't tend to like me very much so I only have close friends. which is bollocks because half of them have gone on holiday for the summer and the select few that are here are being very boring.

I don't really watch TV unless for select programmes like: Family Guy, Greys Anatomy, Charmed, CSI and the Simpsons.

I love jeans, especially levi... and converses....

I do not get the Harry Potter craze... it's not like they're going to stop printing the fucking books is it? Not like the cinema where things stop showing, or sales where they run out of stock and may not make them again, they will still make them....FOREVER. Don't get me wrong I LOVE the books but you wont catch me queuing up outside fucking books etc. at six in the fucking morning, I'll order online thanks.



Anyway that's all I can think of for now... so more tomorrow.



Arrivederci i miei amori