Stupidly Bruised

Yes I am stupid. Last night at about two in the morning I was on the phone to James and he asked me what had happened between me and Tony to make me hate him so much. And I told him, he was quiet for a little while then asked why I was embarrassed, and I told him that too. He then asked what I would do if I ever dated someone like Tony again.... and the same thing happened... I couldn't answer, Tony hurt me badly*. I doubt I would recover the way I have if it happened to me again. Every time I think about it my heart does this funny wrenching throbbing thing that makes that horrid lump form in my throat stopping me from breathing properly.

I could see James watching me today when he brought it up again, asking the same question. I could tell he was worried that I might not be completely over Tony but he did not say it to me. Tony severely bruised my heart when I found out what he'd done. I can't even bring myself to mention it to him because it hurts to much to think about it let alone talk about it to him.

When James and I were together today I realised how much I liked him. We kissed a lot but I wouldn't allow myself to let him have me, it wouldn't be fair to him, none of this is really fair to him. I felt even worse because he called me dangerous while we were kissing, I could tell he really wanted me but it was when he said that, that I stopped and looked at him, he was smiling at me and I knew he meant it in a good way but I couldn't help saying:

"You have no idea."

He really doesn't, I really don't want to hurt him but I'm too afraid to let him go in case things go horribly wrong with Tony, and I'm terrified of things going right with Tony because then I'll have to brake up with him. And I'll have to tell him why as well..... It's not right what I'm doing but I'm to cowardly to stop now. It's like I'm watching myself crashing and burning in slow motion and I know that all I have to do is shout out to myself to save myself but I can't.

No matter what happens now in the end someone is going to get hurt and I know than when it happens I'll have no one to blame but myself.

* I will tell the story of what happened between us that was so humiliating for me at a later date; as you know he told everyone about it and I was devastated. But what actually happened will have to wait until I can bare to talk about it.