Goosebumps

I have been contemplating how strongly I feel for someone when my cousin Jessica put things into perspective for me, like she always does. My muse.

"Think about it this was Effie, in six months time when you and James are serious, if Tony was to tell you he was in love with you and wanted to give a serious relation a try with you, would you leave Jason for him?" She asks while picking fluff out of the carpet. I had to think about my answer for a little while before I felt a jolt of guilt at how unfair my answer would sound.

"I would leave James for Tony. There is no real doubt about it." I reply without looking at her, I could feel her genuinely shocked stare on the side of me cheek.

"Really?" She breathes, I nod without looking up. "So how do you feel about James? Could you ever get serious with him?" I nodded looking up at her smiling shyly.

"Yes I could be in a serious monogamous relationship with him. But I wouldn't love him." I say slowly seeing her surprise I look away again and she sits up properly to give me a serious stare.

"Could you have loved Tony?" She asks without taking her eyes off me, I find myself smiling involuntarily.

"Yes. Absolutely, I could have loved him a lot." I answer quietly, she gapes at me and I change the subject abruptly. "It doesn't matter now we haven't slept together since before my birthday and I know he has a set mentality of me now, I'm the girl he fucks not the girl he could bring home to his mum. He wont ever be able to see me as that girl." Jessica watches me for a few minutes before lying back on her stomach.

"You don't believe that. He tried to get your attention all night last night, and there were plenty of good looking girls in that club yet it's you he chose to pester and annoy. He tried to dance with you for most of the night and stared at you for the wrest of it. He still has feelings for you Lex don't give up so easily." She said picking up her iPod and turning it on loud we sat in silence for a few minutes before I looked back up at her.

"Should we call them? See if their feelings have changed towards us?" I asked she nodded without looking at me.

"It will be easier for you to talk to Tony than for me to talk to Sean. He refuses to speak to me even though we both know he still has feelings for me. At least Tony will pick up your call and talk to you." She said running her thumb over her iPod, I nodded my agreement. Tony had always been easier to talk to than Sean. Mainly because he was always pissing me off, I could be grumpy but he was the one who always did me wrong. So he was always the lenient one, the one who would forgive because there wasn't much to forgive. With him it was always drama, he had to look good in front of his friends and it was more often done at my expense, he could be a real little boy about things. The most recent of his offenses was to talk about little hiccups we had in bed... well I had, lots of which weren't even true. He took the absolute piss out of me in front of my cousin and his friends. When she told me I felt like the stupidest person alive, and I could barely look at her let alone him or his friends. She knew about the honest ones, but obviously was oblivious to the ones he had made up on the spot.

I am pretty sure he is still ignorant to the fact that I know what he said about me, which is fine for now but if anything were to ever get going again between us I know it will come up, and we will fight about it.... I will probably cry. Because I know how insensitive he can be sometimes.

Just thinking about him makes my stomach go into knots, the only way I can cope with it is by repeatedly listening to Jonie Mitchell's Both Sides, Now. I can't handle the feeling that I might have missed an opportunity to be completely in love because I was after a quick screw at the time. When I met Tony all I wanted was to sleep with him, and that's what we did, he gave me his number but I didn't call him or see him for a good month until we met again at the same club by accident. And he accused me of: 'Mashing and Dashing'. Now I wish more than anything I had been the respectable girl that holds out until something like the fifth or sixth date. Maybe if I'd done that he would have some respect for me now, and I wouldn't be afraid to sleep with him again in case I slip up and he laughs at me. I'm already reasonably insecure and hearing that he could have been so cruel made me feel worse.

Seeing him on Saturday was awful, every time he touched me my skin broke out in goosebumps. He always had a talent for making me shake or tremble, making me feel calm if I was upset or irritated about something. Feeling his arms around me was the most comforting feeling I ever felt... it's ridiculous now to think about it because he doesn't like me that way. But it always felt really good.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Do you think you love him now?" Jessica asks giving me her all knowing smile, I looked away without answering because we both knew the answer. "Of course you love him now. You loved him since February when things started to get really hot with you two, you know I know so don't even try and deny it." She says smiling at me, I relax back and nod slowly.

"I know I do now but a lot of the time I don't know how I feel about him. He has me questioning myself on everything..." I said refusing to look at her, but I felt her nod.

We laid there in silence and I remembered how it felt to have Tony running his hands up and down my thighs and arms. Both areas started to brake out in goosebumps all over again.