Would It Make A Difference?

Would it make a difference if I was prettier?
would it make a difference if i was taller? thinner? with bigger breasts?
Would it make a difference if i was a virgin?
would it make a difference if i was a slut? if i did everything you wanted?
would it make a difference if i swallowed?
Would it make a difference if i was religious?
would it make a difference if i went to church? if i saved myself for marriage?
Would it make a difference if i hadn't slept with you on the first night? would you like me more? respect me more?

What do i have to do to make you fall in love with me? the way you made me fall in love with you?

Winter Mist

What did you say? That it is for the best? Is it really? The numbness and the emotion is for the best? I don't believe.
All that Sweet talk.... No I definitely don't believe you, all the hush hush calm me down and threats that fell from your lips I don't believe you, it's not my idea of love it's not my idea of life.
This can't be what you meant, should I replay your words to you? this is not right it is not the way it is supposed to be, supposed to look. You cloud and fog everything, you block my eyes I rub them. This can't be happening.
The Winter Mist is settling down it clouds and fogs everything, just like you. Just like you. Or me? I get confused my mind is fogged I can not think clearly. What am I doing here? the dust has only just settled why am I here?
What did you say? that you only meant well? that this isn't what we need? what you need? what I need? No. not what I need. All I need is the quiet and the calm. Hide and Seek. My favourite game. Will you take that from me as well? Hide and Seek the game of a million years, always better in the Winter Mist where everything is clouded.
Where am I? What have you done? I need to rub my eyes you can't have done that. Can't have said that. You love me, you live breath and feel me.
Your hands on my neck, face, breast.
You can't have said that you love me, live breath and feel me. Why would you say that?
The Winter Mist has found you too sweeping away my favourite game, hiding the oldest of things.
Have you found me yet? Hide and Seek. Should I count to ten before coming out? Hide and Seek.
1..... Have you found me yet? This is for the best i will count to ten for you.

2...... how about now can you see me yet? all your sweet talk, I don't believe you, how could you say those things to me?

3..... you still haven't found me yet? No. If you don't find me by five you will never find me. I am too well hidden for you to discover do not be threatened I will come out for you.

4...... Nothing? well you have one more chance I am not that far away, the dust is falling on me you have until 5

5. No you have not found me you will not find me. This can't be happening you can't have done that it is not you or me or us. it's not what i think of life or love or us you have until ten and i will come out

6 stop searching it is ridiculous now you will not find me the mist has hidden me well.

7Nothing at all will help you help me i am beyond your light beyond your hand. Hide and seek in the Winter mist

8 sit still and you will see me I am coming to you, you will see me soon

9 what did you say? that you only meant well? that its all for the best? that isn't what we need? huh? what did you say? can you see me now?

10 Can you see me now?

Submission, Lust and Guilt

I did it. I have been cheating. I t feels awful, but i can't stop. I feel like I need him, like I'm addicted to him..... I can't bare it,

sneaking around, lying, coming home smelling of him seeing the look on my mums face when she smells the old sent of unbelievably passionate.... consuming..... dirty...... cruel and overwhelmingly deep sex on my skin. I smell like him all the time now, he is engraved in my skin like a permanent fragrance. No matter how hard i scrub afterwards i can still smell him on me. I can still see the bite marks and the feel the bruises from his grip forming on my wrists thighs and neck. Hiding the bruises from James is the worst part, being unable to allow him to kiss me or hold me, feeling dirty and horrid all the time is making me miserable. But i can't stop, he's like heroine. He completely in my system this unshakable force gripping onto every inch of my skin, and pulling me down into my own filthy pit of lust and desire. Feeling him kiss my neck and squeeze my wrists as he holds me down on his bed. Always his bed. Always his place. He bites and tugs at every inch of me refusing to release this hold he has this power over me, I can deny him nothing. I am completely submissive to his desire and his lust while he takes everything from me, takes it all to slack his lust for that brief time, then sends me away only to be called back a few days later for more of the same dirty filth. More Submission. More Lust. More Guilt.

Uncertain

I found out a about an hour ago that my Grandmother was back in hospital. She had been sent home about two weeks ago, they thought she was fine, but now she has gone back in and no one will tell me or my cousins what's wrong with her, or when they think she will be let out again. My Dad said that I may have to prepare myself for the worst. I don't know how to do that.


My nan has been there my whole life as an unshakable rock, to hold the entire family together. birthday celebrations, Christmas, Easter Wednesday nights and every other Sunday night is spent at her house eating her food and enjoying her company and humour.


Everything will change if she dies. Where will we spend Christmas or my nineteenth birthday? I always had this image of her being there to see me married, all old and frail yes but there none the less....

Stupidly Bruised

Yes I am stupid. Last night at about two in the morning I was on the phone to James and he asked me what had happened between me and Tony to make me hate him so much. And I told him, he was quiet for a little while then asked why I was embarrassed, and I told him that too. He then asked what I would do if I ever dated someone like Tony again.... and the same thing happened... I couldn't answer, Tony hurt me badly*. I doubt I would recover the way I have if it happened to me again. Every time I think about it my heart does this funny wrenching throbbing thing that makes that horrid lump form in my throat stopping me from breathing properly.

I could see James watching me today when he brought it up again, asking the same question. I could tell he was worried that I might not be completely over Tony but he did not say it to me. Tony severely bruised my heart when I found out what he'd done. I can't even bring myself to mention it to him because it hurts to much to think about it let alone talk about it to him.

When James and I were together today I realised how much I liked him. We kissed a lot but I wouldn't allow myself to let him have me, it wouldn't be fair to him, none of this is really fair to him. I felt even worse because he called me dangerous while we were kissing, I could tell he really wanted me but it was when he said that, that I stopped and looked at him, he was smiling at me and I knew he meant it in a good way but I couldn't help saying:

"You have no idea."

He really doesn't, I really don't want to hurt him but I'm too afraid to let him go in case things go horribly wrong with Tony, and I'm terrified of things going right with Tony because then I'll have to brake up with him. And I'll have to tell him why as well..... It's not right what I'm doing but I'm to cowardly to stop now. It's like I'm watching myself crashing and burning in slow motion and I know that all I have to do is shout out to myself to save myself but I can't.

No matter what happens now in the end someone is going to get hurt and I know than when it happens I'll have no one to blame but myself.

* I will tell the story of what happened between us that was so humiliating for me at a later date; as you know he told everyone about it and I was devastated. But what actually happened will have to wait until I can bare to talk about it.

In the Wrong

Have spent the day recovering from last night as I crawled into my bed at 6:45am, my feet crippled and maimed from killer gold shoes. I slept until around 10 or 11 when Michael (my brother) came in and kissed me goodbye since he was off to Carnival with the wrest of my dads family, likely to get drunk and pull several little totties of his own age. Ew.

I then fell asleep again until about 3 when I called my mother to tel her I was now awake and hungry. Only to find out she had gone shopping in Asda. Bugger. Got up and fed myself then wondered aimlessly around the house doing nothing of interest.

4:45 Mother comes home with shopping and I have to help her with the bags climbing the steps to our flat. Double bugger. Once she was done with shopping she made me an early dinner then went to work leaving me in the house to sleep again.

Tony did not come last night. He had to work this morning on a float in Notting Hill Carnival (He's a dancer if I never mentioned before). But his brother Sean came with his Friend Andrew. We had fun and danced until I had to change my shoes because I felt like I was dying.I was obviously very disappointed about not seeing my Beloved but had fun in finding a reason to send him a text that wasn't related to sex.

Today Mother dearest wanted to know how the night went. I told her, She gave me that look that all mothers give their children when they suspect they maybe in Love. But she did not question me more. Then I told her that James was coming over tomorrow and we would be hanging out either here or maybe at Carnival though I do not really want to go. She gave me another look, but of suspicion this time. She had been nagging me to find something to do tomorrow because she was going to Carnival and she didn't want me to lounge around the house doing nothing. So I made plans with James, who likes me a lot.....

Now I feel bad about using him to distract myself from Tony. Because that is what I'm doing as I'm sure you know. I know I should feel bad because it is wrong but otherwise I would be completely depressed by my love and completely holed up inside myself. He is a great guy and I really like him. But he's not Tony.

The Man I Love

On Saturday... I am going out with my cousin to Inego again.... we KNOW that Tony and Sean will be there. We are going to look desirable and feminine at the same time... Well I am. I have decided to wear a short pumpkin bottom dress that tucks itself sensually under my bottom, it is silk and swishy, and gold too which goes brilliantly with my caramel skin, I'm wearing my Gold Oasis shoes and hopefully I'll find a gold bag somewhere.
Tony likes my legs and bum, which the dress compliments more than anything else...well my breasts as well obviously but he's not much of a boob man i don't think.
My cousin thinks I'm asking for trouble in enticing him but I think it will be good for him to hear the word NO. he shall not have me that night. He shall have to wait, I have no intention of yielding to him this time. My mother thinks I should keep him hungry for me for about another week before giving him a hint that i am still slightly interested in him..... She said it would be very stupid of me to let him know that I am in love with him and desire to marry him have lots of sex and babies with him. Have I mentioned that he is perfect for me? I think I have.

About the picture, was very bored and browsing through Google images and stumbled across it. It is a perfect example of our height difference as well as our intimacy.

I have spent the whole day being worried about Saturday and worried about my dress and worried about money. Until I saw that picture, when i saw that picture all i could do was smile and think about him. His masculinity and love of the fact that I am both feminine and submissive. He has always dominated me, I have always let him and always enjoyed it when I did. He was rough and I loved it. But his desire to give me pleasure was what I loved most. He never intended to hurt me unless I asked him to specifically. Even then he was always nervous about whether he was hurting me too much. He was very well endowed, and it sometimes made it difficult for us to get completely wild because he didn't always know his own strength, and I am small at only 5ft 4 and he is at least 6ft 1. He was more than capable of hurting me without realising it, which sometimes happened.
Thinking of our experiences together made me shiver, he was the best sex I'd ever had and always made me orgasm at least twice. I was always determined in seeking out my orgasms and he loved to watch me, it turned him on and in doing that made it more likely that he would spur me on.... I desire him more than I have desired anything.
He is a lover, a man and the most intimate person I've ever met. He has flaws obviously, he is proud, sometimes arrogant and has a way of shutting himself down so you can look into his eyes and see absolutely nothing. Which always infuriated me, there were times when i wanted to hit him because of it.

But I love him anyway. I even love his arrogance sometimes..... He will desire me on Saturday. He always desires me.