Submission, Lust and Guilt

I did it. I have been cheating. I t feels awful, but i can't stop. I feel like I need him, like I'm addicted to him..... I can't bare it,

sneaking around, lying, coming home smelling of him seeing the look on my mums face when she smells the old sent of unbelievably passionate.... consuming..... dirty...... cruel and overwhelmingly deep sex on my skin. I smell like him all the time now, he is engraved in my skin like a permanent fragrance. No matter how hard i scrub afterwards i can still smell him on me. I can still see the bite marks and the feel the bruises from his grip forming on my wrists thighs and neck. Hiding the bruises from James is the worst part, being unable to allow him to kiss me or hold me, feeling dirty and horrid all the time is making me miserable. But i can't stop, he's like heroine. He completely in my system this unshakable force gripping onto every inch of my skin, and pulling me down into my own filthy pit of lust and desire. Feeling him kiss my neck and squeeze my wrists as he holds me down on his bed. Always his bed. Always his place. He bites and tugs at every inch of me refusing to release this hold he has this power over me, I can deny him nothing. I am completely submissive to his desire and his lust while he takes everything from me, takes it all to slack his lust for that brief time, then sends me away only to be called back a few days later for more of the same dirty filth. More Submission. More Lust. More Guilt.

Stupidly Bruised

Yes I am stupid. Last night at about two in the morning I was on the phone to James and he asked me what had happened between me and Tony to make me hate him so much. And I told him, he was quiet for a little while then asked why I was embarrassed, and I told him that too. He then asked what I would do if I ever dated someone like Tony again.... and the same thing happened... I couldn't answer, Tony hurt me badly*. I doubt I would recover the way I have if it happened to me again. Every time I think about it my heart does this funny wrenching throbbing thing that makes that horrid lump form in my throat stopping me from breathing properly.

I could see James watching me today when he brought it up again, asking the same question. I could tell he was worried that I might not be completely over Tony but he did not say it to me. Tony severely bruised my heart when I found out what he'd done. I can't even bring myself to mention it to him because it hurts to much to think about it let alone talk about it to him.

When James and I were together today I realised how much I liked him. We kissed a lot but I wouldn't allow myself to let him have me, it wouldn't be fair to him, none of this is really fair to him. I felt even worse because he called me dangerous while we were kissing, I could tell he really wanted me but it was when he said that, that I stopped and looked at him, he was smiling at me and I knew he meant it in a good way but I couldn't help saying:

"You have no idea."

He really doesn't, I really don't want to hurt him but I'm too afraid to let him go in case things go horribly wrong with Tony, and I'm terrified of things going right with Tony because then I'll have to brake up with him. And I'll have to tell him why as well..... It's not right what I'm doing but I'm to cowardly to stop now. It's like I'm watching myself crashing and burning in slow motion and I know that all I have to do is shout out to myself to save myself but I can't.

No matter what happens now in the end someone is going to get hurt and I know than when it happens I'll have no one to blame but myself.

* I will tell the story of what happened between us that was so humiliating for me at a later date; as you know he told everyone about it and I was devastated. But what actually happened will have to wait until I can bare to talk about it.

In the Wrong

Have spent the day recovering from last night as I crawled into my bed at 6:45am, my feet crippled and maimed from killer gold shoes. I slept until around 10 or 11 when Michael (my brother) came in and kissed me goodbye since he was off to Carnival with the wrest of my dads family, likely to get drunk and pull several little totties of his own age. Ew.

I then fell asleep again until about 3 when I called my mother to tel her I was now awake and hungry. Only to find out she had gone shopping in Asda. Bugger. Got up and fed myself then wondered aimlessly around the house doing nothing of interest.

4:45 Mother comes home with shopping and I have to help her with the bags climbing the steps to our flat. Double bugger. Once she was done with shopping she made me an early dinner then went to work leaving me in the house to sleep again.

Tony did not come last night. He had to work this morning on a float in Notting Hill Carnival (He's a dancer if I never mentioned before). But his brother Sean came with his Friend Andrew. We had fun and danced until I had to change my shoes because I felt like I was dying.I was obviously very disappointed about not seeing my Beloved but had fun in finding a reason to send him a text that wasn't related to sex.

Today Mother dearest wanted to know how the night went. I told her, She gave me that look that all mothers give their children when they suspect they maybe in Love. But she did not question me more. Then I told her that James was coming over tomorrow and we would be hanging out either here or maybe at Carnival though I do not really want to go. She gave me another look, but of suspicion this time. She had been nagging me to find something to do tomorrow because she was going to Carnival and she didn't want me to lounge around the house doing nothing. So I made plans with James, who likes me a lot.....

Now I feel bad about using him to distract myself from Tony. Because that is what I'm doing as I'm sure you know. I know I should feel bad because it is wrong but otherwise I would be completely depressed by my love and completely holed up inside myself. He is a great guy and I really like him. But he's not Tony.