This Is Me... In Love

Recovery

2010-02-26T20:31:00.004Z

I am no longer so depressed.

Look these are cute and funny.

Deep Breath

2010-02-06T01:09:00.003Z

I am so alone.

I can't stop crying.

You have destroyed me.

Who I was, I don't even recognise myself any more.

Are you happy now?

Now that I am an empty husk, numb from the pain you have inflicted on me.

Are you happy now?

Twilight

2010-02-04T11:50:00.005Z

I stare up at the sky, lying on my back looking out through my window.

I cant stop thinking about you.

You fill my head like wet sand.

I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

My eyes are bloodshot and sore from crying.

How could you do this and not apologise?

I could forgive you.

But you wont even admit to doing anything wrong.

My heart and body ache.

I have to force myself out of bed.

This hurts so much, the pain is more than I can bare...

How could you do this?

How can you sleep without thinking about what you have done to me?

How can you not say sorry?

Empty Space

2010-02-03T17:00:00.008Z

Bright lights fill the sky, sparkling and shining in incandescence.

I watched with wide staring eyes as the lights moved past me in rhythmic sweeps and wild explosions, brilliant colours reflect on the water and on the rows of faces to the right and left of my own.

Strong arms wrap around me and I feel your firm chest press against my back, the warmth of your breath on the back of my neck.

Goosebumps spread up and down my arms, the hairs on the back of my neck raise...

Your grip tightens and you wrest your chin on my shoulder, I lean back into you revelling in the love, comfort, support and protection you symbolises.

A huge eruption of bright lights signal the finale of the New Years Fireworks.

We go home.

We walk through the front door, and there she is. Sitting on your bed.

She looks surprised, I look at you.

You look mortified.

"Who is she?" She asks standing up. She is older than me, taller too. With nicer skin.

"Who is she?" I snap jabbing a finger at her, you swallow and shut your eyes, I turn back to her and notice the shape of her body, the slightly too round stomach and the huge breasts.

Silence.

Bile fills my throat and my stomach gets tight, I step away from her.

I step away from you.

You reach out to grab me and I jerk away turning to walk out.

You reach again and grab my wrist yanking me back.

But I am not staying here with her.

"None of this would have happened if you had just had a baby with me when I asked! I begged you!" You yell, I stop then simply to stare at you, to see if you heard what you just said.

Silence.

I pull myself free of you and walk away.

Outside I realise my cheeks are soaked with tears. I touch my face in surprise and notice people looking at me strangely. I hide my face and hurry on.

You didn't chase after me.

You staid with her.. The pregnant one.

Haiti

2010-02-03T16:31:00.002Z

Espere

With the radio on
I was awakened from sleep
Turned on the news
as words dominated the screen
“State of Emergency”, it said
“Many feared dead”, it read
An earthquake in Haiti rose me out of my bed
Several days later
Photos released from the scene
Four words came to my mind
Somebody….
Help….
Them….
Please.
now the talk of the town
Every newspaper in sight
Such a Cause for concern
Who will lead Haiti to the light?
An uncertain morning
Afternoons without guarantee
Nights in the darkness
And just a box of clothes from me?
I need to do more
I will help where I can
So many abandoned children
Displaced throughout the entire land
If we all pull together
and help all those in need
My little old box
can turn into millions received
A feeling compared to Katrina
Its a serious problem
Are they still looking for FEMA
or has it already found them?
……A few days later
More donations are on the way
A public Service
announcement
is sent through the waves
Preservation of life ?
Medical attention for some?
I cant imagine what they are going through
Is the aid enough?
News of people that have passed on
It must feel like the end
If everyone does their part
Perhaps this is a tear that we can mend.

by Sherry Tagoe

http://kixmag.wordpress.com/lifestyle/

Would It Make A Difference?

2007-10-05T19:07:00.001+01:00

Would it make a difference if I was prettier?
would it make a difference if i was taller? thinner? with bigger breasts?
Would it make a difference if i was a virgin?
would it make a difference if i was a slut? if i did everything you wanted?
would it make a difference if i swallowed?
Would it make a difference if i was religious?
would it make a difference if i went to church? if i saved myself for marriage?
Would it make a difference if i hadn't slept with you on the first night? would you like me more? respect me more?

What do i have to do to make you fall in love with me? the way you made me fall in love with you?

Winter Mist

2007-10-05T12:10:00.000+01:00

What did you say? That it is for the best? Is it really? The numbness and the emotion is for the best? I don't believe.
All that Sweet talk.... No I definitely don't believe you, all the hush hush calm me down and threats that fell from your lips I don't believe you, it's not my idea of love it's not my idea of life.
This can't be what you meant, should I replay your words to you? this is not right it is not the way it is supposed to be, supposed to look. You cloud and fog everything, you block my eyes I rub them. This can't be happening.
The Winter Mist is settling down it clouds and fogs everything, just like you. Just like you. Or me? I get confused my mind is fogged I can not think clearly. What am I doing here? the dust has only just settled why am I here?
What did you say? that you only meant well? that this isn't what we need? what you need? what I need? No. not what I need. All I need is the quiet and the calm. Hide and Seek. My favourite game. Will you take that from me as well? Hide and Seek the game of a million years, always better in the Winter Mist where everything is clouded.
Where am I? What have you done? I need to rub my eyes you can't have done that. Can't have said that. You love me, you live breath and feel me.
Your hands on my neck, face, breast.
You can't have said that you love me, live breath and feel me. Why would you say that?
The Winter Mist has found you too sweeping away my favourite game, hiding the oldest of things.
Have you found me yet? Hide and Seek. Should I count to ten before coming out? Hide and Seek.
1..... Have you found me yet? This is for the best i will count to ten for you.

2...... how about now can you see me yet? all your sweet talk, I don't believe you, how could you say those things to me?

3..... you still haven't found me yet? No. If you don't find me by five you will never find me. I am too well hidden for you to discover do not be threatened I will come out for you.

4...... Nothing? well you have one more chance I am not that far away, the dust is falling on me you have until 5

5. No you have not found me you will not find me. This can't be happening you can't have done that it is not you or me or us. it's not what i think of life or love or us you have until ten and i will come out

6 stop searching it is ridiculous now you will not find me the mist has hidden me well.

7Nothing at all will help you help me i am beyond your light beyond your hand. Hide and seek in the Winter mist

8 sit still and you will see me I am coming to you, you will see me soon

9 what did you say? that you only meant well? that its all for the best? that isn't what we need? huh? what did you say? can you see me now?

10 Can you see me now?

Submission, Lust and Guilt

2007-09-19T15:26:00.001+01:00

I did it. I have been cheating. I t feels awful, but i can't stop. I feel like I need him, like I'm addicted to him..... I can't bare it,

sneaking around, lying, coming home smelling of him seeing the look on my mums face when she smells the old sent of unbelievably passionate.... consuming..... dirty...... cruel and overwhelmingly deep sex on my skin. I smell like him all the time now, he is engraved in my skin like a permanent fragrance. No matter how hard i scrub afterwards i can still smell him on me. I can still see the bite marks and the feel the bruises from his grip forming on my wrists thighs and neck. Hiding the bruises from James is the worst part, being unable to allow him to kiss me or hold me, feeling dirty and horrid all the time is making me miserable. But i can't stop, he's like heroine. He completely in my system this unshakable force gripping onto every inch of my skin, and pulling me down into my own filthy pit of lust and desire. Feeling him kiss my neck and squeeze my wrists as he holds me down on his bed. Always his bed. Always his place. He bites and tugs at every inch of me refusing to release this hold he has this power over me, I can deny him nothing. I am completely submissive to his desire and his lust while he takes everything from me, takes it all to slack his lust for that brief time, then sends me away only to be called back a few days later for more of the same dirty filth. More Submission. More Lust. More Guilt.

Uncertain

2007-08-31T20:22:00.001+01:00

I found out a about an hour ago that my Grandmother was back in hospital. She had been sent home about two weeks ago, they thought she was fine, but now she has gone back in and no one will tell me or my cousins what's wrong with her, or when they think she will be let out again. My Dad said that I may have to prepare myself for the worst. I don't know how to do that.

My nan has been there my whole life as an unshakable rock, to hold the entire family together. birthday celebrations, Christmas, Easter Wednesday nights and every other Sunday night is spent at her house eating her food and enjoying her company and humour.

Everything will change if she dies. Where will we spend Christmas or my nineteenth birthday? I always had this image of her being there to see me married, all old and frail yes but there none the less....

Stupidly Bruised

2007-08-27T22:07:00.001+01:00

Yes I am stupid. Last night at about two in the morning I was on the phone to James and he asked me what had happened between me and Tony to make me hate him so much. And I told him, he was quiet for a little while then asked why I was embarrassed, and I told him that too. He then asked what I would do if I ever dated someone like Tony again.... and the same thing happened... I couldn't answer, Tony hurt me badly*. I doubt I would recover the way I have if it happened to me again. Every time I think about it my heart does this funny wrenching throbbing thing that makes that horrid lump form in my throat stopping me from breathing properly.

I could see James watching me today when he brought it up again, asking the same question. I could tell he was worried that I might not be completely over Tony but he did not say it to me. Tony severely bruised my heart when I found out what he'd done. I can't even bring myself to mention it to him because it hurts to much to think about it let alone talk about it to him.

When James and I were together today I realised how much I liked him. We kissed a lot but I wouldn't allow myself to let him have me, it wouldn't be fair to him, none of this is really fair to him. I felt even worse because he called me dangerous while we were kissing, I could tell he really wanted me but it was when he said that, that I stopped and looked at him, he was smiling at me and I knew he meant it in a good way but I couldn't help saying:

"You have no idea."

He really doesn't, I really don't want to hurt him but I'm too afraid to let him go in case things go horribly wrong with Tony, and I'm terrified of things going right with Tony because then I'll have to brake up with him. And I'll have to tell him why as well..... It's not right what I'm doing but I'm to cowardly to stop now. It's like I'm watching myself crashing and burning in slow motion and I know that all I have to do is shout out to myself to save myself but I can't.

No matter what happens now in the end someone is going to get hurt and I know than when it happens I'll have no one to blame but myself.

* I will tell the story of what happened between us that was so humiliating for me at a later date; as you know he told everyone about it and I was devastated. But what actually happened will have to wait until I can bare to talk about it.

In the Wrong

2007-08-26T23:38:00.001+01:00

Have spent the day recovering from last night as I crawled into my bed at 6:45am, my feet crippled and maimed from killer gold shoes. I slept until around 10 or 11 when Michael (my brother) came in and kissed me goodbye since he was off to Carnival with the wrest of my dads family, likely to get drunk and pull several little totties of his own age. Ew.

I then fell asleep again until about 3 when I called my mother to tel her I was now awake and hungry. Only to find out she had gone shopping in Asda. Bugger. Got up and fed myself then wondered aimlessly around the house doing nothing of interest.

4:45 Mother comes home with shopping and I have to help her with the bags climbing the steps to our flat. Double bugger. Once she was done with shopping she made me an early dinner then went to work leaving me in the house to sleep again.

Tony did not come last night. He had to work this morning on a float in Notting Hill Carnival (He's a dancer if I never mentioned before). But his brother Sean came with his Friend Andrew. We had fun and danced until I had to change my shoes because I felt like I was dying.I was obviously very disappointed about not seeing my Beloved but had fun in finding a reason to send him a text that wasn't related to sex.

Today Mother dearest wanted to know how the night went. I told her, She gave me that look that all mothers give their children when they suspect they maybe in Love. But she did not question me more. Then I told her that James was coming over tomorrow and we would be hanging out either here or maybe at Carnival though I do not really want to go. She gave me another look, but of suspicion this time. She had been nagging me to find something to do tomorrow because she was going to Carnival and she didn't want me to lounge around the house doing nothing. So I made plans with James, who likes me a lot.....

Now I feel bad about using him to distract myself from Tony. Because that is what I'm doing as I'm sure you know. I know I should feel bad because it is wrong but otherwise I would be completely depressed by my love and completely holed up inside myself. He is a great guy and I really like him. But he's not Tony.

The Man I Love

2007-08-24T16:40:00.002+01:00

On Saturday... I am going out with my cousin to Inego again.... we KNOW that Tony and Sean will be there. We are going to look desirable and feminine at the same time... Well I am. I have decided to wear a short pumpkin bottom dress that tucks itself sensually under my bottom, it is silk and swishy, and gold too which goes brilliantly with my caramel skin, I'm wearing my Gold Oasis shoes and hopefully I'll find a gold bag somewhere.
Tony likes my legs and bum, which the dress compliments more than anything else...well my breasts as well obviously but he's not much of a boob man i don't think.
My cousin thinks I'm asking for trouble in enticing him but I think it will be good for him to hear the word NO. he shall not have me that night. He shall have to wait, I have no intention of yielding to him this time. My mother thinks I should keep him hungry for me for about another week before giving him a hint that i am still slightly interested in him..... She said it would be very stupid of me to let him know that I am in love with him and desire to marry him have lots of sex and babies with him. Have I mentioned that he is perfect for me? I think I have.

About the picture, was very bored and browsing through Google images and stumbled across it. It is a perfect example of our height difference as well as our intimacy.

I have spent the whole day being worried about Saturday and worried about my dress and worried about money. Until I saw that picture, when i saw that picture all i could do was smile and think about him. His masculinity and love of the fact that I am both feminine and submissive. He has always dominated me, I have always let him and always enjoyed it when I did. He was rough and I loved it. But his desire to give me pleasure was what I loved most. He never intended to hurt me unless I asked him to specifically. Even then he was always nervous about whether he was hurting me too much. He was very well endowed, and it sometimes made it difficult for us to get completely wild because he didn't always know his own strength, and I am small at only 5ft 4 and he is at least 6ft 1. He was more than capable of hurting me without realising it, which sometimes happened.
Thinking of our experiences together made me shiver, he was the best sex I'd ever had and always made me orgasm at least twice. I was always determined in seeking out my orgasms and he loved to watch me, it turned him on and in doing that made it more likely that he would spur me on.... I desire him more than I have desired anything.
He is a lover, a man and the most intimate person I've ever met. He has flaws obviously, he is proud, sometimes arrogant and has a way of shutting himself down so you can look into his eyes and see absolutely nothing. Which always infuriated me, there were times when i wanted to hit him because of it.

But I love him anyway. I even love his arrogance sometimes..... He will desire me on Saturday. He always desires me.

In Love In London

2007-08-21T22:07:00.001+01:00

In the morning it rained. I had some tea. It is always lovely when it rains in London. It feels strange to me if it is excruciatingly hot here. I like the mildly hot summers and the wet Autumns, the icy Winters and the moist Springs.

So when it rained this morning I just sat with my tea.

And thought about Tony.

I have never been in love before so this is new to me. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to write about him.... I can say that he is perfect for me.

He is sensitive, but masculine.

He is passionate about dance.

He is an artist. Like me.

He is British. Like me.

Tall dark and handsome, he has always been such a lovely dark chocolate colour.....

I wanted to go out in the rain today but had too much to do. So I stayed indoors and watched with my tea.

Still thinking about him.

Goosebumps

2007-08-20T16:40:00.001+01:00

I have been contemplating how strongly I feel for someone when my cousin Jessica put things into perspective for me, like she always does. My muse.

"Think about it this was Effie, in six months time when you and James are serious, if Tony was to tell you he was in love with you and wanted to give a serious relation a try with you, would you leave Jason for him?" She asks while picking fluff out of the carpet. I had to think about my answer for a little while before I felt a jolt of guilt at how unfair my answer would sound.

"I would leave James for Tony. There is no real doubt about it." I reply without looking at her, I could feel her genuinely shocked stare on the side of me cheek.

"Really?" She breathes, I nod without looking up. "So how do you feel about James? Could you ever get serious with him?" I nodded looking up at her smiling shyly.

"Yes I could be in a serious monogamous relationship with him. But I wouldn't love him." I say slowly seeing her surprise I look away again and she sits up properly to give me a serious stare.

"Could you have loved Tony?" She asks without taking her eyes off me, I find myself smiling involuntarily.

"Yes. Absolutely, I could have loved him a lot." I answer quietly, she gapes at me and I change the subject abruptly. "It doesn't matter now we haven't slept together since before my birthday and I know he has a set mentality of me now, I'm the girl he fucks not the girl he could bring home to his mum. He wont ever be able to see me as that girl." Jessica watches me for a few minutes before lying back on her stomach.

"You don't believe that. He tried to get your attention all night last night, and there were plenty of good looking girls in that club yet it's you he chose to pester and annoy. He tried to dance with you for most of the night and stared at you for the wrest of it. He still has feelings for you Lex don't give up so easily." She said picking up her iPod and turning it on loud we sat in silence for a few minutes before I looked back up at her.

"Should we call them? See if their feelings have changed towards us?" I asked she nodded without looking at me.

"It will be easier for you to talk to Tony than for me to talk to Sean. He refuses to speak to me even though we both know he still has feelings for me. At least Tony will pick up your call and talk to you." She said running her thumb over her iPod, I nodded my agreement. Tony had always been easier to talk to than Sean. Mainly because he was always pissing me off, I could be grumpy but he was the one who always did me wrong. So he was always the lenient one, the one who would forgive because there wasn't much to forgive. With him it was always drama, he had to look good in front of his friends and it was more often done at my expense, he could be a real little boy about things. The most recent of his offenses was to talk about little hiccups we had in bed... well I had, lots of which weren't even true. He took the absolute piss out of me in front of my cousin and his friends. When she told me I felt like the stupidest person alive, and I could barely look at her let alone him or his friends. She knew about the honest ones, but obviously was oblivious to the ones he had made up on the spot.

I am pretty sure he is still ignorant to the fact that I know what he said about me, which is fine for now but if anything were to ever get going again between us I know it will come up, and we will fight about it.... I will probably cry. Because I know how insensitive he can be sometimes.

Just thinking about him makes my stomach go into knots, the only way I can cope with it is by repeatedly listening to Jonie Mitchell's Both Sides, Now. I can't handle the feeling that I might have missed an opportunity to be completely in love because I was after a quick screw at the time. When I met Tony all I wanted was to sleep with him, and that's what we did, he gave me his number but I didn't call him or see him for a good month until we met again at the same club by accident. And he accused me of: 'Mashing and Dashing'. Now I wish more than anything I had been the respectable girl that holds out until something like the fifth or sixth date. Maybe if I'd done that he would have some respect for me now, and I wouldn't be afraid to sleep with him again in case I slip up and he laughs at me. I'm already reasonably insecure and hearing that he could have been so cruel made me feel worse.

Seeing him on Saturday was awful, every time he touched me my skin broke out in goosebumps. He always had a talent for making me shake or tremble, making me feel calm if I was upset or irritated about something. Feeling his arms around me was the most comforting feeling I ever felt... it's ridiculous now to think about it because he doesn't like me that way. But it always felt really good.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Do you think you love him now?" Jessica asks giving me her all knowing smile, I looked away without answering because we both knew the answer. "Of course you love him now. You loved him since February when things started to get really hot with you two, you know I know so don't even try and deny it." She says smiling at me, I relax back and nod slowly.

"I know I do now but a lot of the time I don't know how I feel about him. He has me questioning myself on everything..." I said refusing to look at her, but I felt her nod.

We laid there in silence and I remembered how it felt to have Tony running his hands up and down my thighs and arms. Both areas started to brake out in goosebumps all over again.

More on me...

2007-08-15T00:38:00.002+01:00

I am a black teenage girl, with an obsession for chocolate and writing.

I live in London, with my mum and little brother.

Have the shittiest taste in men.

Have the usual string of not nice boyfriends, but am starting to see a lovely guy called James

I have the oddest taste in music.

Girls in general don't tend to like me very much so I only have close friends. which is bollocks because half of them have gone on holiday for the summer and the select few that are here are being very boring.

I don't really watch TV unless for select programmes like: Family Guy, Greys Anatomy, Charmed, CSI and the Simpsons.

I love jeans, especially levi... and converses....

I do not get the Harry Potter craze... it's not like they're going to stop printing the fucking books is it? Not like the cinema where things stop showing, or sales where they run out of stock and may not make them again, they will still make them....FOREVER. Don't get me wrong I LOVE the books but you wont catch me queuing up outside fucking books etc. at six in the fucking morning, I'll order online thanks.

Anyway that's all I can think of for now... so more tomorrow.

Arrivederci i miei amori